it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Randomize
