The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
