if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Randomize
