im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
This can only be settled by a dance off.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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