I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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