Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
