I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Randomize
