You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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