Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
