Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Randomize
