If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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