my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
