He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
