Got a toothbrush?
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
