Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
