you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
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