Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
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