I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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