my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Randomize
