trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
