i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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