If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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