Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
