You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
