I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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