OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
you guys were way drunker than both of me
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
