She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Randomize
