so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
