the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
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