help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
