I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
