Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
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