I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Randomize
