So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
people are starting to question the shark bite story
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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