This is not my ceiling
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
