Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
