Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
