remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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