Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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