so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
