If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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