Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
