Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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