can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
