I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
soo... how was my night?
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