so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
