Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Randomize
