So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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