Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
