OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
