sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Randomize
