And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Randomize
